Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us.
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"Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there's one place to confront the nation's wealthiest 1 percent, it's the subway." –Conan O'Brien
"Someone shot a bullet at the White House. The Secret Service ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House." –Conan O'Brien
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"When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee." –David Letterman
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"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman
"Yesterday, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's eloquent and spreading a message of hope." –Conan O'Brien
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"White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he'll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election." –Jay Leno
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"You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed." David Letterman
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"In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it." –Jimmy Fallon
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"The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees." –David Letterman
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"The military's policy of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is officially over. Don't confuse this with President Obama's economic policy, which is 'don't ask, I don't want to talk about it.'" –Jay Leno
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" President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" Conan O'Brien
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